Reason #64 through #84

Jonny Opinion's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Jonny Opinion does not sleep. He waits.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Jonny Opinion smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Jonny Opinion does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jonny Opinion goes killing.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Jonny Opinion can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

If you can see Jonny Opinion, he can see you. If you can't see Jonny Opinion you may be only seconds away from death.

Jonny Opinion built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Jonny Opinion met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Jonny Opinion sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Jonny Opinion roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Jonny Opinion.

Jonny Opinion once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Jonny Opinion sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Jonny Opinion has not had to pay taxes ever.

Jonny Opinion counted to infinity - twice.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Jonny Opinion and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

As a teen Jonny Opinion impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

If Jonny Opinion is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Jonny Opinion doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Jonny Opinion is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Jonny Opinion.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Jonny Opinion. Jonny Opinion showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Jonny Opinion sleeps with a night light. Not because Jonny Opinion is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Jonny Opinion.

At birth, Jonny Opinion came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Jonny Opinion but Jonny Opinion.